People-pleasing and the need for approval

Why do we sometimes feel responsible for keeping everyone happy?

Most of us want to be liked. We want to feel accepted, valued and connected to the people around us. There is nothing unhealthy about wanting good relationship with others.

But sometimes, the desire to be liked becomes something more. We may find ourselves constantly worrying about what other people think, saying yes when we really want to say no, apologising when we have done nothing wrong, or changing ourselves to avoid disappointing someone.

What is people- pleasing?

It is a pattern of putting other people’s needs, feelings or expectations before your own, often because we fear rejection, conflict, criticism or being disliked.

Examples could be:

Worry excessively about upsetting other people

Constantly seek reassurance that everything is ok

Apologise excessively

Change your opinion to fit in

Avoid expressing anger or disagreement

Feel responsible for other people’s emotions

Feel anxious when someone seems distant or unhappy

Find it extremely difficult to set or maintain boundaries

Sometimes people-pleasing can look like kindness, the important difference is choice. Being kind because you genuinely want to help can feel rewarding, helping because you fear that someone will dislike you if you don’t, can feel very different.

Why do we seek approval?

For some people, it may develop from experiences in childhood. Perhaps they learned that keeping other people happy helped to feel safe and accepted and becoming very sensitive to changes in other people’s moods.

The problem is that this can become exhausting.

One of the hardest parts of approval-seeking can be accepting that not everyone will like us.

You are not responsible for everyone’s feelings- One of the biggest steps away from people-pleasing is understanding the difference between caring about someone’s feelings and being responsible for their feelings.

Start asking yourself what you want?

If you’ve spent years focusing on other people’s needs, it can be surprisingly difficult to identify your own.

You don’t have to earn your worth, the most important thing to remember is your worth does not depend on how useful, agreeable, accommodating or likeable you are.

Healthy relationships allow room for boundaries, disagreement, honesty and imperfection.

If people- pleasing or approval seeking is causing significant anxiety, affecting your relationships, leaving you feeling overwhelmed, or making it difficult to live according to your own needs and values, therapy can be helpful.

Practising assertiveness, expressing what you actually want instead of automatically adapting to everyone else, to slow down and recognise the pattern rather than automatically acting on it.